Paralyzing March 4, 2013

I’m ready to be pregnant again.  I am NOT ready to have another child though.  Just when you think you’re in the clear, something proves that you are not in control anymore.

 

It’s not a blog that I follow, but it’s in the circle that I follow.  Her 14-month-old son was found unresponsive the beginning of last month… the official diagnosis was SUCD – Sudden Unexpected Cardiac Death (I’ve also heard Child Death) – it’s basically a form of SIDS.  Her little boy was 14 months old.  Doctors tell you that you’re mostly out of the woods at one year.  As a parent, you live in constant fear of not hitting that marker, when so many dangers seem to dissipate.  Then something like this happens and you realize that two years is what they really mean to say.  Or 5 years.  Or never.  After I learned about her son, I cried.  She was doing everything right to prevent something like this from happening and it happened anyway.  It’s paralyzing to live in constant fear that there are things that you can’t control or influence, no matter what you do.

 

Now when Abby sleeps in, I’m paranoid unless I hear her a little snore or a murmur, or ANYTHING.  When I leave for work in the morning, I have to fight the urge to open her door and check on her and make sure she’s breathing.  Reading other mom blogs make me appreciate her so much more, through everything.  I cherish her tantrums, her glowers at me, her smiles, and her awesome hugs.

 

Sometimes there’s nothing you can do but cry because you feel SO lucky that you got the child you did.

The Lunette Test February 26, 2013

I got kinda pissed off during my last period because I DESTROYED another pair of undies.  D-:<  The stupid tampon leaked.  I declared it – I’m DONE.  I’m getting a cup.  So I did some homework and got the Lunette model one.  Here is how everything went:

Okay… not pregnant, and so begins the adventure of the lunette.  Initial thoughts, you have to be okay with putting your fingers in there, which is not the worst thing, but kinda weird in a public bathroom.

Not too hard to insert… I never practiced, so perhaps I should’ve.  It’s a little interesting to do since my nails are kinda long… I’m paranoid that I’m going to stab/scratch myself.  Need to cut off the end like other people mentioned in reviews, but I’m not taking a large pair of scissors with me to the bathroom at work.  Kinda feels like a tampon that I didn’t insert properly.

Almost 2 hours later, no leakage yet, but I usually don’t get going until a little later.  Also, I just had to pee… had to kind of assist it a bit.  My muscles wouldn’t let go… so the question is, will that get better or will it always be like that… it’ll be interesting when I have to poop.  I don’t really want to take the time to take it out if I need to (as some others did).

Okay… about 4 hours after insertion… still no leaks.  No discomfort (other than that piece that I need to cut off).  Pooped just fine (woot).  So far, pretty happy.  I’ll check it when I get home and we’ll see how things look then…

Okay…. 7 hours later, first removal and cleaning.  There is very little blood, but I tend to trickle and then gush (ew, but there you are).  It looks disturbingly like chocolate syrup.  I need to ask some veterans about that, so off to the interwebz I go for help.

I also cut off a portion of the bottom.  I don’t think I inserted it as well as I should’ve.  When I’m walking, I can still feel it (although I did leave some of the stem on there, so that could be it… maybe I should cut off the rest of it.  Hmmm…

The more I’m walking around, the more I’m convinced that it’s shifting a bit to the side.  I keep getting jabs to the side, I’ll fix it before I go to bed.

I just watched a video for various ways to fold it… there are a few that I’m *really* excited to try… does that make me lame?

Day 2

There was a little bit of leakage in the late morning.  I was half asleep when I put it back in in the morning, so that’s my own fault.  I took it out to readjust, even though it looked like it fixed itself… that’s one of the things that I like about the cup… you don’t have to have it in perfectly.  If you get it mostly close and do a few kegels, it’ll correct itself.  I went out with the girls in the evening, so I emptied it before I left work and never had any other issues.  Never really thought about it most of the day.  I seem to be challenged to get it in straight.  I don’t know if it’s the way I’m putting it in or if my cervix is slanted to the side.  I actually have a GYN appointment in a few weeks… I’ll have to make sure to ask the doc if she can give me any hints.

Day 3

There were a whopping 2 drops in my undies this morning… confirming that I put in slightly crooked.  I’m getting faster about getting it in and out.  Outs a little harder, but as long as you take the time and relax, it’s not bad.  I’m getting less shy about getting all up in there.  Once you get over that, it’s a heck of a lot easier.  :)

Last day

This thing passed with flying colors.  This weekend, I finally ”got” it.  I was good for the whole time, no leaks, no discomfort.  I told Ian that the worst thing about the Lunette is that you might forget you have it in (not kidding – it’s *that* comfortable).  I’m actually excited for the next time!

I hate dreams sometimes January 26, 2013

I woke up at 6 this morning because of a nightmare.
I dreamed that I had met someone outside of my office, and we were just chillin out on a sunny day. It had been about 2-2.5 hours and then I realized I’d left Abby in the car. So I freak out, drive to Starbucks, which is the closest open business that has ice, and have them call 911. By the time they arrived to take a very hot and unresponsive Abby to the hospital, I had woken up.
I didn’t really go into detail, but suffice to say it terrified me enough to wake me up and now I feel sick.
My brain does nice things to me sometimes – like in my dreams, gives me clues that it’s not real. Abby was the same age she is now, but she wasn’t in a car seat, she was just buckled in the back. I was outside of work on the weekend (why would I be there?). Even though my parents live on the other side of the country, I had their Chevy Tahoe. But when you’re a panicked mama, those details don’t matter. All that matters is your child not dying… And to be honest, had the dream finished, I don’t think she would have made it.
In real life, stuff doesn’t generally happen like this. She might fall asleep in the car, but you take her inside someplace…. Or at the very least (if it’s not blazing hot out), you stick close to the car and open the windows and park in the shade… And you set a timer to check in every 10 minutes. Or you meet the friend AT Starbucks instead of at a closed building. And Abby sits in her car seat. There wasn’t even one in the car in my dream.

So, yeah… Something like this wouldn’t happen… But that doesn’t stop the dreams from coming. I’m sure this won’t be the last… Not really thrilled about the ones to come.

Breast-feeding thoughts January 23, 2013

This one will be short.

I’m on this first book still for becoming a childbirth educator and I’m on the chapter on breast-feeding.  If I had to do the birth all over again, this would be what I would change:

 

I never did skin to skin with her right after.   I knew that breastfeeding was important… I even went to the class, but I don’t think that it really clicked how important that first feed was.  I don’t remember feeding her until I was upstairs in post-partum… and that was several hours later.

 

I SO regret that now.

 

There were a lot of things that lead to our breast-feeding downfall…. What some women refer to as “booby traps”… har de har har… but it’s very serious.  I have flat nipples, which creates challenges when feeding.  I didn’t visit a lactation consultant after we were discharged, and I absolutely should have.  I was started with a nipple shield, and I thought that was a G-dsend, until I tried to get off of it… and it’s HARD.

 

The next time, I will arm myself with information.

The next time, I will talk to consultants and La Leche League BEFORE I go into labor, and several times after the birth.

The next time, I will take baby to the breast without hesitation, and

The next time, I will breastfeed for as long as baby sees fit to.

 

 

 

I love yoga… OMG, I love it! January 20, 2013

It’s been a few weeks (and my goal was to get better about this)….

 

I’ve started yoga.  SO glad I did this.  I’ve been going twice a week for 2 or 3 weeks.  Yesterday I went as well… different teacher though.  Ironically, it was a substitute, so I STILL don’t know what type of teacher Kathy is (the normal Saturday one).  I didn’t catch her name, but she seemed to go easy on us.  At least, it was easier compared to Heidie’s class.  Something that is odd that I’ve found is that the two teachers I’ve had so far, remind me of Mrs. Roper from Three’s Company or Blanche from Golden Girls.  It’s kind of hilarious.  I’m pretty sure I’m the youngest in the class (the hot trendy chicks go to yoga studios apparently… I go to the Y)… but that teacher… man she kicks our asses.  I can’t do Crow or Bird of Paradise.  I’m happy that I can do a side plank most of the time.  I have re-learned to do a bridge (in yoga they call it a wheel), which I’m pretty excited about… next step is kicking over into a back walkover… Not.

 

Also, the YMCA is running a Four by Four program… go to the gym four times a week (1/2 hour each) for four weeks.  I can do that… that’s why I went to the extra class yesterday.  And then running once a week or so (maybe twice this week… we’ll see).  But I really like the yoga.  I’ve been wanting to do this since before Abby was born.  I was thinking that the breathing would be helpful as a coping mechanism during birth – and the hip/pelvic stretching couldn’t hurt either.  With our old gym, I could never seem to get it in my schedule.  Then the Y opened a little after she was born.  I’ve just started getting into the swing of things and I really wish that I’d done this sooner.  I love it.  My class is 7-8 Tuesday and Thursday, so I help Ian with getting the girl started on dinner, and he finishes it and gets her down to bed.  That seems to be working really well.  We’re both getting in our gym time AND our “me” time.

 

The type of yoga that Heidie leads is a combination of styles, but she refers to it as “Power Yoga”… it’s got some more stretching and strength training.  I really enjoy the strength training.  I hurt the next day, but I can still move (and damn that Chair pose… she’s a little too fond of it if you ask me – but I suppose that’s something I should work on… that’s the one thing I have issues with).  But the breathing exercises I’ve really been trying to embrace.  I use it when I’m driving and someone pisses me off… I use it at work.  I’m learning a lot about the way that my body works… I’ve learned that I breathe more shallowly if I’m in pain (I vaguely remember the nurse reminding me to slow my breath during labor)… I’m trying to be more cognizant of that – I want it to become second nature when I need it.  The inward focus comes pretty naturally, but I am noticing things to work on.  I plan on continuing this up through the next pregnancy.  This is definitely come in handy in the future.

 

Not a Girly Girl January 3, 2013

I was not a girlie girl growing up… not even close.  In fact, I was such a feminist, that my college roommate wrote a paper on me titled “Ms. Extreme”… We taught each other a lot.  She didn’t believe herself to be a feminist (dirty word).  When I asked her if women should be able to vote, she said of course.  ”Then to some extent, you are a feminist”… she taught me that it was actually okay to wear a skirt, and be a little girlie… talking about her now, I actually find it ironic.  Her cover page image on Face Book is of her, her husband, and two young children – I find it ironic because she is the only one looking at the camera.  Her husband is looking at the youngest.  Traditionally in photos where there is a couple, the man looks into the camera, while the wife/GF/SO looks (adoringly) at the man.  She’s a very strong person, but I digress…..

The reason this blog came to point, was another blog I read: “Why do Parents Buy Into Gender Segregated Toys?”  I don’t really remember playing with dolls.  I had a few Barbies, but they got their hair cut off and left in the sun to “tan”… I was more of a stuffed animal kid… and the outdoors… I was a tree climber.

With Abby, the first toy that we really bought her was actually a little workbench that made funny noises.  The whole way we walked home, it was going “boing…. woop woop”, and Ian and I kept giggling.  I don’t mind her having girly toys too much, but we haven’t reached that stage yet. I don’t want her to have all “girl” toys, OR all “boy” toys.  I want a little of everything and some that are neutral.

Before we had Abby, I was never really a pink person.  Then the closer we got to the birth, I developed a slightly more adverse reaction to it… Ian pointed out that my aversion was getting stronger.  I countered that it’s not so much the color I have issues with, it’s the message that generally goes with it.  ”Diva”, “Princess”, “If you think I’m cute, you should see my mom”…. Absolutely not. Once he saw that, THEN he got it.  The orange shirt with a zebra – wearing a necklace   The purple kitty wearing – a diamond tiara.  Why?  Why must you do this marketers?  You’re driving away my business by adding jewelry to an 18 month outfit.

The really big change was when Abby started to wear 12 months.  That’s when she went from passable gender neutral (or at least not offending girliness) to Dora the Explorer and Disney Princesses.  She doesn’t watch TV.  She doesn’t know who these characters are.  We watch the news and sports.  I don’t want her watching cartoons yet.  If she gets bored, we do laundry, or go upstairs to read, or “reorganize” her clothes (read: she takes them out).  She hasn’t yet developed an opinion about colors or clothes yet.  So I fill her closest with clothes that I think are age appropriate and cute.  I will continue to do this until she has money to buy her own (G-d knows that I am not buying her the clothes that I’ve seen others wear).

This is part of the reason that I was apprehensive about having a girl.  I can only hope to convey my feelings about these issues and instill what I hope are good values and morals and hope for the best.  Honestly, having a girl completely terrifies me.  I’ll control what I can right now, but at some point I’ll have to explain certain things.  Not at all looking forward to that.

“If someone believes they are limited by their gender, race or background, they will become more limited.”  - Carly Fiorina

Happy New Year! January 1, 2013

Yeah, I suck at blogging – need to be more consistent about that… speaking of which….

Since the year has come to a close, I’ve started thinking about my New Years Resolutions.

I’m starting yoga class soon.  I’m really looking forward to the class, just not the timing.  It’s 7-8p Tuesday and Thursday.  So Ian and I will be passing ships in the night and I won’t get dinner until 8:30 (I’m not eating before the class – yuck).  Once I get that started, we’ll try and see when other times I can get myself to work out.

I’ve started researching coconut oil.  There are a vast number of things that it can do (I have a list, I’m checking things off), but I’m trying to look at it from a more down-to-Earth point of view (if Abby gets an ear infection again, I’ll be taking her to the doctor, NOT dosing her with coconut oil – let’s be real here).

I want to finish one sewing project a week.  Unless it’s a big one, then I’ll work on it every week.  I enjoy sewing, but I don’t do it enough.  I’ve learned that Abby can sleep through the machine if she’s upstairs, which means I can work on projects after she goes to bed.

Overall, I want to be more green and healthy.  In body, in mind.  I’m not going to go crazy, but I’m introducing things slowly.  I’m sure that it’ll be hit or miss (especially with some of those coconut oil ideas – some of them are pretty off-the-wall).

Also, I’m looking into working on a little side business of selling cloth diapers and carriers.  I like to make them, but there are only so many that I can make and KEEP (–>  ADDICTED TO CLOTH DIAPER FABRIC  <–)  :-/

Last, but not least (and I’m sure I’ll write another blog on this as well)… a few weeks ago I had a total breakdown.  Something has been missing in my life, and I couldn’t quite figure out what… Love my hubby, love my daughter… just something else was missing in my life.  I had an epiphany and decided to start Childbirth Educator classes.  So I’m starting the reading list for Tradition Path with the International Childbirth Education Association (ICEA).  Once that was decided, it just seemed to make sense and I wondered why it took so long for it to click.  Any way… another blog for another time…

Random edit:  In light of the tragedy in Connecticut a few weeks ago, I’ve also vowed to say the Sh’ma over my daughter every night.  The couple nights I’ve done it with tears rolling down my face.

Anyway, that’s it for now.  That’s my plan for 2013.