I’m ready to be pregnant again. I am NOT ready to have another child though. Just when you think you’re in the clear, something proves that you are not in control anymore.
It’s not a blog that I follow, but it’s in the circle that I follow. Her 14-month-old son was found unresponsive the beginning of last month… the official diagnosis was SUCD – Sudden Unexpected Cardiac Death (I’ve also heard Child Death) – it’s basically a form of SIDS. Her little boy was 14 months old. Doctors tell you that you’re mostly out of the woods at one year. As a parent, you live in constant fear of not hitting that marker, when so many dangers seem to dissipate. Then something like this happens and you realize that two years is what they really mean to say. Or 5 years. Or never. After I learned about her son, I cried. She was doing everything right to prevent something like this from happening and it happened anyway. It’s paralyzing to live in constant fear that there are things that you can’t control or influence, no matter what you do.
Now when Abby sleeps in, I’m paranoid unless I hear her a little snore or a murmur, or ANYTHING. When I leave for work in the morning, I have to fight the urge to open her door and check on her and make sure she’s breathing. Reading other mom blogs make me appreciate her so much more, through everything. I cherish her tantrums, her glowers at me, her smiles, and her awesome hugs.
Sometimes there’s nothing you can do but cry because you feel SO lucky that you got the child you did.