So, I’ve been fighting with insomnia off and on for the last year or so. Then about 6 months ago, it got bad. Then in the last two weeks, it got REALLY bad.
Growing up, I was a fairly free spirit and didn’t dig boundries…. but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve swung in the other direction and become very Type A. Then I started to have little bouts of OCD and anxiety. Nothing huge like compulsive hand washing or counting… It’s more like having a timeline in my head and then when something goes wrong and disrupts that, I freak out, because now everything is going to get thrown off and now my day is all screwed up. Frankly, it’s very toddler-esque and embarrassing.
I’ll wake up at 3am and not be able to get back to sleep because my brain won’t shut up. Stupid stuff too. Things that either I have no control over or it’s a minuscule thing. The rainbow wrap I made. I was waking up in the middle of the night because something came up and I didn’t get to do part of it when I had planned, so “now I have to wait and I can’t rinse it now, but it’ll have to be this weekend.” It doesn’t matter! It wasn’t for a special occasion and I didn’t have a deadline for it. So why is it stressing me out? This was supposed to fun, and I’ve made it not fun, and now I feel guilty about that (it’s a vicious cycle).
So, here’s the pivotal point of all this: Guy I work with and support is in Europe for three weeks. I’m so glad that A) he found someone who can (kind of) do what he does… they’re big shoes to fill, and B) the company trusts me enough to let me do it. If I screw up the three weeks he’s gone, depending on the problem, it could cost several thousands of dollars…. or hundreds of thousands of dollars. The first Monday I’m on my own, I wake up at 3:30am. It really sucked, but not really shocking to me. It’s a very stressful week and I’m two steps away from having panic attacks for the latter half. I don’t eat lunch that week or the next because I have too.much.to.do.
The following Monday/Tuesday morning (week 2 on my own), I wake up at 12:30am.
Midnight Thirty. What?
I toss and turn. 1am. I get up and work from 1 to 3 am. Then I’m on FaceBook. Then I’m working on my Childbirth Educator readings (which is another post altogether). Around 4:30 I try, and I think I fell asleep. Woke up at 5 in the armchair I’d been working in. Try to doze off. Wake up at 5:30. Curse myself for being so fucking tired and dealing with this bullshit, then I get up, get dressed and go into work 2 hours early (because what the hell else am I going to do now?).
Around 3:30 or 4 in the middle of all this, I sent an email to my doctor seeking advice. I don’t know what to try anymore. I thought about smoking pot to see if that worked to mellow me out, but of course I researched it first. It either works with or against anxiety, and there’s not really enough info to figure out which way I would go. So the doctor is the next step I suppose. My appointment is a week from today. What makes me so pissed off about all this, is that I don’t feel like I have any reason to be anxious. Sure, these last few weeks have been stressful, but why a year ago (or more… all of a sudden I realized I couldn’t figure out how long this had been happening… so, a while)? Nothing really has changed, and it’s not like I’m anxious about things that are real. I’m not dreading that we’ll get into a car accident, or that I’m coming up with horrible scenarios… It’s not like that. I just can’t shut my brain down. I have no idea if the doc going to prescribe meds to me or not, or if we’ll just sit and chat. She’s awesome like that. She won’t just give you drugs if she didn’t think you needed them and had tried everything else, so we’ll see. Half of me wants her to, and half of me wants her to help me come up with some other ideas… but I feel like I’ve tried a lot of alternatives. So it’ll be interesting to see.
For the record, you’d never know by looking at me that half the time I can’t shut off anything. I might look tired, but I’ve tried really hard to present a good picture, and maybe that’s half the problem. Maybe if I just cracked, it would be better for a bit. But I’m worried that if that happened, I wouldn’t be able to reign myself in again.
For dealing with this super sad post, here’s a picture of me and my daughter… where we’re both happy and carefree for a change. 🙂