Protected: Grieving May 22, 2017
Protected: Rounding up Events May 2, 2017
Anxiety and Insomnia July 7, 2014
So, I’ve been fighting with insomnia off and on for the last year or so. Then about 6 months ago, it got bad. Then in the last two weeks, it got REALLY bad.
Growing up, I was a fairly free spirit and didn’t dig boundries…. but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve swung in the other direction and become very Type A. Then I started to have little bouts of OCD and anxiety. Nothing huge like compulsive hand washing or counting… It’s more like having a timeline in my head and then when something goes wrong and disrupts that, I freak out, because now everything is going to get thrown off and now my day is all screwed up. Frankly, it’s very toddler-esque and embarrassing.
I’ll wake up at 3am and not be able to get back to sleep because my brain won’t shut up. Stupid stuff too. Things that either I have no control over or it’s a minuscule thing. The rainbow wrap I made. I was waking up in the middle of the night because something came up and I didn’t get to do part of it when I had planned, so “now I have to wait and I can’t rinse it now, but it’ll have to be this weekend.” It doesn’t matter! It wasn’t for a special occasion and I didn’t have a deadline for it. So why is it stressing me out? This was supposed to fun, and I’ve made it not fun, and now I feel guilty about that (it’s a vicious cycle).
So, here’s the pivotal point of all this: Guy I work with and support is in Europe for three weeks. I’m so glad that A) he found someone who can (kind of) do what he does… they’re big shoes to fill, and B) the company trusts me enough to let me do it. If I screw up the three weeks he’s gone, depending on the problem, it could cost several thousands of dollars…. or hundreds of thousands of dollars. The first Monday I’m on my own, I wake up at 3:30am. It really sucked, but not really shocking to me. It’s a very stressful week and I’m two steps away from having panic attacks for the latter half. I don’t eat lunch that week or the next because I have too.much.to.do.
The following Monday/Tuesday morning (week 2 on my own), I wake up at 12:30am.
Midnight Thirty. What?
I toss and turn. 1am. I get up and work from 1 to 3 am. Then I’m on FaceBook. Then I’m working on my Childbirth Educator readings (which is another post altogether). Around 4:30 I try, and I think I fell asleep. Woke up at 5 in the armchair I’d been working in. Try to doze off. Wake up at 5:30. Curse myself for being so fucking tired and dealing with this bullshit, then I get up, get dressed and go into work 2 hours early (because what the hell else am I going to do now?).
Around 3:30 or 4 in the middle of all this, I sent an email to my doctor seeking advice. I don’t know what to try anymore. I thought about smoking pot to see if that worked to mellow me out, but of course I researched it first. It either works with or against anxiety, and there’s not really enough info to figure out which way I would go. So the doctor is the next step I suppose. My appointment is a week from today. What makes me so pissed off about all this, is that I don’t feel like I have any reason to be anxious. Sure, these last few weeks have been stressful, but why a year ago (or more… all of a sudden I realized I couldn’t figure out how long this had been happening… so, a while)? Nothing really has changed, and it’s not like I’m anxious about things that are real. I’m not dreading that we’ll get into a car accident, or that I’m coming up with horrible scenarios… It’s not like that. I just can’t shut my brain down. I have no idea if the doc going to prescribe meds to me or not, or if we’ll just sit and chat. She’s awesome like that. She won’t just give you drugs if she didn’t think you needed them and had tried everything else, so we’ll see. Half of me wants her to, and half of me wants her to help me come up with some other ideas… but I feel like I’ve tried a lot of alternatives. So it’ll be interesting to see.
For the record, you’d never know by looking at me that half the time I can’t shut off anything. I might look tired, but I’ve tried really hard to present a good picture, and maybe that’s half the problem. Maybe if I just cracked, it would be better for a bit. But I’m worried that if that happened, I wouldn’t be able to reign myself in again.
For dealing with this super sad post, here’s a picture of me and my daughter… where we’re both happy and carefree for a change. 🙂
Eating March 20, 2014
Something is eating at me and I’m really not sure what. I may have fallen in a hole that I’ll need help getting out of. I get into these little funks every once in a while. A few hours, a few days sometimes, then I’m okay (everyone needs a little cry now and then right?). Today feels different.
I was watching this video, thinking it would cheer me up. You know what I felt? Nothing. Actually, that’s not true. I teared up. And not in a “laughing hysterically” or “that’s so awesome” kinda way. I just feel so foggy right now. And I can’t focus on anything, or I hyper-focus on something.
I’m slightly puzzled about it, and I’m not sure what to do.
Decisions, decisions February 25, 2014
As usual, when I left this morning, we give smooches all around and Abby asked why. “I have to go to work honey.” She looks sad. “Why?” I sigh and think “that’s a good question.”
At two and a half, I understand that this is a totally normal and annoying phase – ‘The Why Phase’ – and that she doesn’t really know what she’s asking… or does she?
As we’re pondering timing for kid number two, we’re thinking about jobs, money, time, family, schools, housing… This is kinda of a pivotal moment in our lives (more so than the decision about having Abby). Amazingly, I’ve shifted gears and would like to stay at home with Abby and the other kiddo, but we can’t afford it. I would like to work part time. I would love to stay at my current job and do that, but the one-way 45 minute commute would be too much. I could ask them to let me work from home a couple days a week, but I don’t think that would work either (I’m too scared they’d look for someone else who could be more available). When we’re house hunting, we could look to the south near where I work for incredibly beautiful and (gasp) affordable housing…. But the schools suck. So private? No. I do not want my children going to private school. Hands down I would home school them over spending $30k/year. No question. So now what?
This is so incredibly frustrating. As the saying goes: On their death bed, no one ever said “I wish I’d worked more.”
In a perfect world where money didn’t matter, I would stay home part time. This is where the Etsy shop came in…. I could do that part time easily, but would I be able to keep up with it? Would I even be able to make enough? Argh. I’m leaning heavily towards staying home part time, but how do people afford it?
Not what it was supposed to be….. October 7, 2013
So, since November of last year (2012), I’ve lost 15.4 pounds. It mostly been since the end of April when I started P90. When I came back from Florida for vacation in July, I started P90X. I did three weeks of that, then life happened and I was working on a big project for work, and something else came up… I decided to take 3 weeks off. I started up again on a Monday. Then I went to a baseball game Tuesday night, but I didn’t work out that morning because I was going to be up late, and I didn’t get up on Wednesday morning to work out, because I’d been up late the night before. That was 2 weeks ago. So one workout in 5 weeks. I’ve been eating properly at least.
So I have learned something about this, and it’s not what you think. It’s not what *I* thought it would be. I have learned that I NEED to workout. It’s not about the weight loss or the muscle gain.
It’s about my sleeping like crap.
It’s about my mood being in the tank.
It’s about fighting the nagging thoughts that I’ve fallen off the wagon and I’ll never get up again.
I need to recommit myself to this again. I tend to show signs of Seasonal Affective Disorder (ironically, the acronym for that is SAD)…. The mopey Eeyore feeling during the winter. It’s hard to shake when you don’t see the sunlight for months at a time. When the sun is still down when you go to work, and then it’s down when you leave (and you don’t leave to eat lunch AND you don’t have any windows) it’s really hard. The days all morph together with artificial lights. It’s actually really scary sometimes – knowing you won’t see daylight for at least a week. If there’s sun on the weekends, you’ll go on a hike even though it’s bitterly cold because – hey! It’s sunny!
I’m hoping to fight this. It happens every year. It makes me unhappy. Unhappy with stuff that I’m normally happy with, and it brings up things that I don’t normally think about let alone dwell on.
Should I have stayed at home with Abby? If I do, can we afford it? If I don’t can we afford it? Should I look for a new job? I like the one I have, but there’s always the “what ifs”. What if I made more? What if the commute was shorter? Then that comes back to staying at home with Abby.
I’m not sure what this post was about. It was supposed to be about how I need to workout to avoid pity parties, and then it turned into a pity party. So, I guess that’s proof right there.
I need to get back to the gym.
Seriously. Sorry about this post. That wasn’t where I planned to go with it. Good thing I don’t do this for a living….